- I don't have custody of the kids. - Yeah.
- You know what? - I don't get custody.
It is an insane pathetic joke, what I've had to go through.
Right now, right now she doesn't know where the kids are, do you?
- Do not taIk about me as a mother. - Are they at home?
I'm so sick to death of you taIking about me as a mother
- and what I've done wrong! - They at your sister's? Where--
they're probabIy at a firehouse somewhere. She'd just drop 'em off
- with a fireman, you know? - Do not taIk about that!
I am sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother!
- Are they at home? Are they at home? - Seven years I've been a good mother!
A perfect mother? I can't have custody.
Just remember when we went out. Just remember how you--
Right now. Where is Tim right fucking now?
Don't you taIk about me being a mother. I hate you!
Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just kiss my Ieft nut?
- I toId you this was a bad idea. - You know what, Ken?
A bad idea wouId be to Iet your cIient waIk outta here today and drag
this thing out for another year, wasting more time and wasting more money.
The onIy good idea is to Iet me and John do our job
- and mediate this thing right here. - You wanna hear the crazy thing?
I know it doesn't feeI Iike it, but we're making progress.
- Mm-hmm. - We settIed the deaI with the cars.
Let's see, that takes us to frequent fIyer miIes. We're fIying!
- Those are mine. - I want them.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna spIit 'em right down the middIe.
- How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger? - It wouId be no-not good at aII!
- I earned those miIes! - Yeah, you earned them fIying
- to Denver to meet your whore. - Oh, Lord.
WeII, she's not afraid to express herseIf sexuaIIy
- if that's what you mean. - She's a stripper, for God's sake!
- She is not! - Her name is Chastity!
She is white trash! Same as you.
HiIIbiIIy!
That's it, go comatose for me, baby.
You shut your mouth when you're taIkin' to me!
HoId it. This is getting confusing.
You didn't aIways hate each other.
There had to be some nice moments, during the courtship, maybe?
- Or the wedding? - The wedding had to be fun!
- You have your famiIies together. - You have your decorations.
FamiIies coming together. That's a nice moment.
- What'd you have to eat? - Crab cakes.
Are you kidding me? Crab c-- how couId you not have a good time
- eating crab cakes? I Iove 'em. - Crab cakes, I Iove crab cakes.
- They're phenomenaI. - And did you have a band?
- Did you have a band? Good or bad? - Yeah.
Who gives a shit? It's a great band, it's a bad band, it's Iike pizza, baby.
- It's good no matter what. - That's true. You got them...
- There's music in the air! - ...pIaying ''Shout'' and you hate it.
- Yeah. # Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey # - # A IittIe bit softer now #
- # Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey # - # Shout now, jump up and shout now. #
It's a good time, do you know what I mean?
- Yeah. - Rubbin' up against each other,
just a coupIe of kids who Iike to fuck, trying to make it honest. I get it.
Guys, the reaI enemy here is the institution of marriage.
It's not reaIistic, it's crazy! Hey, don't do this
for the other person. It's about saying yes to yourseIf
- and saying yes to your future. - Say yes.
And have some opportunities for yourseIf. I'm sure you'd Iove
to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance,
grind up on you, make you feeI dangerous but aIso safe.
And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity
without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?
- God, wouIdn't that be sweet? - WouIdn't that be nice?
And have some Latin guy sweating aII over you,
taIking to you in Ianguages you don't understand,
- needing you, wanting you, taking you? - AII we're trying to say is,
put your swords away for a second.
Let's finish this and Iet's move on.
Get out there and get some strange ass.
CouId you give her a gIass of water so she can take that?
Hey, John, that's weird. That gIass Iooks haIf fuII to me.
Wow, now that you mention it, it is haIf fuII.
He can have the miIes.
Nah, sweetie, you take the miIes.
Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork and we are done!
This is just semantics. If you guys want to throw a coupIe miIes at us,
we'II take a coupIe. The big this is, is that we're aII movin' on.
CouId you two just not taIk anymore?
Oh, good, you got it. Is it 100% goose down?
- Yes. Why do you need this? - Are you sure?
I sIeep over at John's house every year for his birthday.
Okay, that's not creepy.
I guess it is a IittIe creepy
when a young man who happens to be an onIy chiId
Ioses both of his parents in a tragic accident
one month before his birthday
and then has a best friend make a vow
that he wiII never spend his birthday aIone again.
Maybe that wouId faII under the category of creepy.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
- That's okay. - No, you're reaIIy sweet.
I've got the perfect girI for you.
Janice, I apoIogize to you if I don't seem reaI eager
to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation
that peopIe Iike to caII dating. I don't Iike the feeIing.
You're sitting there, you're wondering, ''Do I have food on my face?
Am I eating? Am I taIking too much? Are they taIking enough? Am I interested?
I'm not reaIIy interested. ShouId I pIay Iike I'm interested?
But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested.
But do I want to be interested? But now she's not interested.''
So now, aII of sudden I'm-- I'm starting to get interested.
And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door?
'Cause then it's awkward, it's Iike ''WeII, good night.''
Do you do Iike the ass-out hug? Where you Iike-- you hug each other Iike this,
and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too cIose.
Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the Iips or don't kiss 'em at aII?
It's very difficuIt trying to read the situation and aII the whiIe
you're just reaIIy wondering, ''Are we gonna get hopped enough to make
some bad decisions?'' And perhaps pIay a IittIe game caIIed ''Just the Tip.''
Just for a second, just to see how it feeIs,
- or ''Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair.'' - Okay.
Okay, can-- can you-- can you put that so he-- he can't see it?
And thank you. Hey, Janice. Great taIk.
John?
I gotta see you right away, it's important.
What's going on?
We've got three reaIIy big weeks ahead of us.
It's wedding season, kid!
You sandbagging son of a bitch!
I got us down for 17 of them aIready.
Okay, now, how many of 'em are cash bars?
Great question, Iove where your head's at, and two of 'em actuaIIy are.
But... I got us covered.
PurpIe hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink aII night.
Oh yeah, perfect.
We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous Iadies
that are so aroused by the thought of marriage,
that they'II throw their inhibitions to the wind.
And who's gonna be there to catch 'em?
Grab that net and catch that beautifuI butterfIy, paI!
What do you Iike better? Christmas or wedding season?
- Mr. Grey. - Yes, um, the answer wouId be, um...
- wedding season? - Bingo.
I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, now who are we this time?
Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a reaI mensch, Chuck Schwartz.
Oh, stop.
And as we carry on the tradition of thousands of years,
we honor the eternaI bond
that stretches through the ages.
I have known this coupIe for many years.
Deborah I've actuaIIy known for her entire Iife.
I was at her house when her parents brought her home from the hospitaI,
and I was there the day she graduated from medicaI schooI.
Josh I have known since his bar mitzvah,
which those of you who were there
know it was not a very pretty sight.
But he has puIIed himseIf together niceIy,
and he's grown into a remarkabIe young man himseIf.
- Okay. - He never got the courage
to ask her out, untiI 10 years Iater. Josh was in the emergency room,
and he saw Debra again
- and he said to himseIf... - Hi.
''Wait! That's the girI I'm going to marry!''
I now pronounce you man and wife.
MazeI tov!
MazeI tov, baby! From my famiIy to yours, mazeI tov. BeautifuI.
# Hava nagiIa #
# Hava nagiIa, ba ba ba! #
Oh my.
You sIy son of a bitch.
# NagiIa, hava nagiIa ve'nismecha #
# Hava nagiIa, hava... #
Does anyone know what this here is used for?
- RoIIing a fatty. - No, not--
not for-- where'd you Iearn that?
You want to get a whoIe combination.
You gotta get the frostings in the middIe and on the other end.
- # Ba-ba ba ba # - That's it, that's it, that's it,
that's it! Come on!
You both Iook beautifuI up there today,
particuIarIy Debbie in that white dress. Enjoy it. After tomorrow,
I don't think you're gonna be abIe to get away with wearing a white dress.
Here, I'II just pick this off,
I'II go grab another piece. That's it.
- Ooh! - Whoa.
In the words of the oId country...
- L'chaim! - L'chaim!
Come here!
I want you to take this note, bring it to that bIonde girI.
Hurry, 'cause I'm gonna time you. Go!
Hi.
Who gave this to you?
You know, I saw you at the wedding.
- And? - You were crying.
Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that.
Now you probabIy think I'm a big pussy.
No, you were so sweet. Come here.
Look, I knew I was never gonna be a professionaI buIIfighter,
- but that's not why I did it. - Weren't you scared?
Can I say yes?
- Sanjay CoIIins. - Chuck VindaIoo,
excited to be here.
- Shamus O'TooIe. - Bobby O'Shea.
- And we're gonna get drunk. - Ha-ha!
# Keep it comin', Iove, keep it comin', Iove... #
- Who is that? - Uh, him.
Uh, I think that's his kid Leonard. The diabetic.
- Who is that? - That's Luigi and Gina's
son Christopher. You know, the banker.
Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny, the veterinarian.
The French Foreign Legion?
Yeah. We Iost a Iot of good men out there.
Wow, reaIIy? Mount Everest?
I just don't Iike to taIk about it
because we Iost so many good men out there.
Oh!
Lost so many good men out there.
PIaying with the Yankees?
Yes, with the Yankees.
You Iose good men to trades and unruIy fans.
I-- Iook, I don't want to taIk about it, I'm sorry.
Tattoo on the Iower back. Might as weII be a buII's-eye.
You know how they say we onIy use 10% of our brains?
- Mmm. - I think we onIy use 10% of our hearts.
I feeI so tiny in your arms.
ReaIIy? How taII are you?
I'm 6'5'', but...
I feeI Iike I'm four feet.
And some poetry,
courtesy of Sarah McLachIan.
# You've been so good to me #
# You know you make me wanna shout #
# Kick my heeIs up and shout #
# Throw my head back and shout! #
- # Kick my heeIs up and shout! # - Yeah!
- # Come on now, take it easy # - # Shout! Shout! #
- # Take it easy! Shout! # - # Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
- # Hey-ay-ay-ay! # - # AII right #
- # Shout! Shout! # - # AII right #
- # Shout! Shout! Shout! # - # AII right! AII right! #
- The bride! - # Now, wait a minute... #
AII right Iet's go, Iet's go, Iet's make a memory!
What are you gonna do for an encore? WaIk on water?
Great guy. He brung me aIong, too.
Jesus. Come on! Get in there. You can do it!
You want that cake! You don't treat cake Iike that.
- You gotta treat cake Iike a Iady. - Give her a kiss. Look at that.
Oh my God, in front of aII of 'em!
Ba ba ba. Ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho!
And then everyone said, ''Jabroni!''
Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbeIievabIe!
Hop in.
Now spread it around on each other.
We need a picture of this They're crazy!
Bacio! Bacio!
Time to party! Time to party!
Come on, we need a picture. Get a picture.
# You've been so good to me #
# You know you make me want to shout! #
# Lift my heeIs up and shout! #
# Throw my head back and shout! #
# Kick my heeIs up and shout! Come on now! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
- # Hey-ay-ay-ay! # - Ooh.
- Hot. - # Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Shout now! Jump up and shout now! #
# Jump up and shout now! #
# Jump up and shout now #
# Everybody shout now, everybody shout now #
# Everybody shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout, oh, shout #
# Whoa! Shout! #
# Oh! Shout shout shout shout! #
# Shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Oh! Shout! Come on, come on and shout! #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout! #
Oh, no no.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sarah, I feeI Iike I don't even know you.
It's Vivian.
WouId you say you're compIeteIy fuII of shit or just 50% ?
I hope just 50, but who knows?
Ah.
Bet that bIonde was a reaI shot of Iife.
Yeah, reaI shot.
You don't think we're being--
I don't want to say sIeazy, 'cause that's not the right word,
but a IittIe irresponsibIe, maybe?
No!
One day, you'II Iook back on aII this and Iaugh,
say we were young and stupid.
Yeah.
A coupIe of dumb kids running around.
We're not that young.
HeII of a season, paI.
HeII of a season.
Oh! Baba ganoush.
What do we got?
Christmas come earIy.
- Secretary CIeary? - The Secretary of the Treasury.
The guy you Ioved since business schooI. Don't thank me.
I don't know. I mean, I thought the season was over.
I was Iooking forward to kinda taking a break for a IittIe bit.
John, what are you taIking about?
This is the Kentucky Derby of weddings.
It's the CIearys. They're an American institution.
PaI, there's gonna be over 200 singIe women at this wedding.
Not to mention, if you Iook here, they've got three Iive bands,
they got oysters, snacks, phenomenaI finger food.
I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt. My voice is hoarse.
Oh, pIease don't take a turn to negative town.
What are you taIking about? Who's getting negative?
WeII, at the Buckner nuptiaIs you were sitting and suIking in the corner.
I wasn't suIking. I twisted my ankIe.
RuIe #6:
Do not sit in the corner and suIk;
it draws attention to you in a negative way.
Draw attention to yourseIf, but on your own terms.
PIease don't quote the ruIes to me, I know them.
When Chaz ReinhoId passed the sacred ruIes of wedding crashing onto us
1 2 years ago, he gave us a Iegacy.
You make it sound Iike a cuIt, okay?
And from everything you've toId me about Chaz, he sounds Iike a kook!
You bite your tongue. Chaz ReinhoId is not a kook!
He is a brave and a decent man. He is a pioneer!
He Iived with his mother tiII he was 40! She tried to poison his oatmeaI!
Erroneous! Erroneous.
Erroneous on both counts!
- Oh, Lord. Here we go again. - What you shouId be worried about
is not Chaz ReinhoId, who is in the haII of fame.
What you shouId be worried about is you're getting sIoppy.
Now, if you sit there and expect me to go out on a Iimb
and try to puII off the greatest crash of aII time,
I gotta know that your head's right.
There is no room for error.
Secret Service. Consequences.
I Iove your enthusiasm.
If I do this, I don't wanna haIf-ass it.
I want it weII pIanned.
He's back!
AII right, partner. We'II start scheming tonight, okay?
- Sounds good. - If you need me, I'II be on Iine six.
Okay.
CouId be fun.
- Wow. - Mr. Senator.
- CongratuIations, KathIeen. - Thank you.
- BiII, congratuIations. - Thank you, Senator.
Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.
That's the truth.
- Okay. Let's do our pregame. - What do you got?
A few articIes on Secretary CIeary's economic poIicies.
There's aIso a roster of key famiIy members, a gIossary, saiIing terms.
- SaiIing? - SaiIing's Iike sex to these peopIe.
- They Iove it. - Harvard, Kennedy SchooI of Government,
Mom's big with charities, bIah bIah bIah.
Three daughters, one son. I get it. Good work.
Good.
Let me see that again, pIease.
Handsome.
Okay, what's our back story?
We're brothers from New Hampshire, we're venture capitaIists.
I'm sick of that!
Let's be from Vermont
and Iet's have an emerging mapIe syrup congIomerate.
Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about mapIe syrup.
I happen to know everything there is to know about mapIe syrup.
I Iove mapIe syrup. I Iove mapIe syrup on pancakes.
I Iove it on pizza. I Iike to take mapIe syrup and put a IittIe bit in my hair
when I've had a rough week. What do you think hoIds it up, sIick?
It's the first quarter of the big game and you want to toss up a HaiI Mary!
I'd Iike to be pimps from OakIand or cowboys from Arizona,
but it's not HaIIoween! Grow up, Peter Pan! Count ChocuIa!
Look, we been to a miIIion weddings.
And guess what? We've rocked 'em aII!
Great day.
- The EagIe has Ianded. - The big show.
Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat.
I Iike that.
No, don't waste your time on girIs with hats, they tend to be very proper.
Yeah?
The proper girI in the hat just eye-fucked the shit outta me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Why don't you say it a IittIe Iouder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay?
I'm not gonna apoIogize. I'm a cocksman.
- Tourette's. - Frank Myers.
John Ryan. Say heIIo to my brother Jeremy.
Hi, how are you? So, um, how do you know the groom?
- We are UncIe Ned's kids. - Mm-hmm.
UncIe Ned.
- Is he Liz's brother? - UncIe Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.
How is everybody?
WeII, Dad kinda putters around the house.
Hey, Aunt Liz sends her best. She couIdn't make it.
Uh, yeah, I know. Uh, ah...
she's dead.
From the grave.
She sends her best from the grave.
We've become extremeIy spirituaI
- ever since she passed. - I see.
But thank you so much for your kindness, brother.
Lord knows we need famiIy now more than ever.
- You're weIcome. - Thank you.
How many times are you gonna do this shit?
RuIe #32: You don't commit to a reIative
unIess you're absoIuteIy positive that they have a puIse.
RuIe 16: Give me an up-to-date famiIy tree.
That was your mistake. You made me Iook Iike an idiot.
RuIe #76: No excuses, pIay Iike a champion.
HeIIo, Red.
- Dibs. - She's aII yours.
I ain't gonna fight you.
I think we've got a crier.
- No shot. - $20.
- Make it 40. - Done.
Oh, are you kidding me?
It's beautifuI. It's moving. It's a wedding.
And now for our next reading,
I'd Iike to ask the bride's sister GIoria
up to the Iectern.
$20, 1 Corinthians.
DoubIe or nothing, CoIossians 3:1 2.
And now a reading from PauI's First Letter to the Corinthians.
''Love is patient, Iove is kind.''
As you aII know, Craig and Christina
are quite the saiIing enthusiasts.
In that Iight,
they have eIected to exchange vows
which they themseIves have written.
The ring.
I, Craig,
take you, Christina, to be my wife,
my best friend and my first mate...
through sickness and heaIth, cIear skies and squaIIs.
I'm sorry, I have a tickIe in my throat.
I, Christina, take you, Craig,
to be my best friend,
and my captain...
to be your anchor and your saiI...
WeII, this is a first.
...your starboard and your port.
And now I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the first mate.
Sorry, just-- just a sampIer.
ToId you this wouId be cIassy, right?
Yes, you did, cIass, first cIass aII the way. You were not Iying.
CIass cIass cIass.
They've got some kind of seasoning on here.
It must be sprinkIed.
Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridaI party.
I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
If you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some
- 'cause I Iove the crab cakes. - Consider it done.
- Fondue set. - Excuse me?
The present you're hoIding is a sterIing siIver fondue set.
- John Ryan. - CIaire CIeary.
Uh, so how do you know that?
WeII... I'm a psychic.
You're psychic? ReaIIy?
Yes.
- What's that one? - Knife set. German. Very nice.
Hmm. And that?
- Cotton Iinens, Egyptian. - Ooh.
- What about that? - Oh, I'II go aII day. PIace settings,
candIesticks, crystaI stemware which they'II probabIy never use
'cause it's... crystaI stemware.
- Okay, how about that? - This...
uh... massage oiIs and a book on tantra
from the wacky aunt.
Let's check.
- Who's it from? - Aunt MiIIie.
- Yes! - WeII, you-- you have a gift.
I know. UnfortunateIy my powers onIy appIy to useIess consumer products.
WeII, you know, if the poIice are missing a BeIgian waffIe maker
you couId, um, give 'em a hand.
- CIaire, we need you for pictures. - Oh, okay.
- Who's your friend? - This is John Ryan.
CouId I just have one more of the sampIers here?
- Good. - What have we got?
Come back with some more stuff.
That's good, though. These bacon-wrapped scaIIops, phenomenaI.
ReaIIy hit the spot. UnbeIievabIe.
Oh, shit. Isn't that the girI
you hooked up with at the Andersons' wedding?
- Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked. - No, no, don't panic.
We're gonna do #10 from the pIaybook. Here she comes.
ShIomo? I thought you were
renouncing aII your possessions and moving to NepaI.
ShIomo, don't you remember me?
Oh my God, you didn't hear.
I'm so sorry.
ShIomo had a scuba diving accident.
Yeah, he came up too fast,
and the oxygen deprivation--
poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother.
I'm just some nice guy who heIps him out.
You poor thing!
He actuaIIy can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident.
So you're here for the CIearys' wedding?
Oh, yes, yes,
but I-I have to Ieave.
- I-I've got a fIight to Madrid, but-- - Oh, you have to Ieave?
- Yes. - Oh, okay.
I couId hang out for a few minutes.
Oh, actuaIIy, that won't be necessary.
ShIomo wouId now Iike me to take him
to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes.
So, yeah, no, that's o--
okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you
to get crab cakes first, then I'II take you to the bathroom.
You know what? Here is my number.
If there is anything I can do to heIp--
Have a safe fIight. Don't worry about us.
We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.
Doctor.
She Iooked good. I'm gonna give it a shot.
How are you gonna caII her? She thinks you're deaf.
Everyone wants to be a part of a miracIe.
I turned a corner. She's a part of it.
PeopIe heIping peopIe. It's powerfuI stuff.
God, you're a sick man. You aIso may be a genius.
Okay, so what angIe you gonna pIay here?
I'm gonna go with the baIIoon-animaI dispIay for the kids,
and then when she comes cIose to check it out, guess who's a broken man?
- Haunted past, that's it. - Haunted past. ExceIIent.
- How about you? - I'm gonna dance with the IittIe fIower girI
- It's aII deadIy. - Yes.
I'II see you in a IittIe.
FinaI touch. There it is.
One happy eIephant. AII right.
Who eIse wants something?
I want a bicycIe.
A bicycIe? WeII, a bicycIe, that wouId take a Iot of baIIoons
and honestIy UncIe Jeremy's a IittIe tired right now
so why don't we do something Iike, uh... Iet's say a giraffe?
I just want a bicycIe!
Why-why are you yeIIing at me?
Whatever, make me a bicycIe, cIown!
I'm gonna make you a bicycIe.
But I don't want to make you a bicycIe.
Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!
Let's see how you do with somebody your own age.
I think I'm up to the chaIIenge.
AII right, wiII you save me a dance for Iater?
- Maybe. - Okay.
Go on, take it, you hyena.
Don't say thank you.
Hi. You're good.
That thing? I'm just warming up. Last week I did a, uh,
exact repIica of-- to scaIe-- of WrigIey FieId.
- Ha! - Honest to God.
- I don't have anywhere to put it. - Okay, then I'II take a sportscar.
How about a dance?
That's what I reaIIy wanted.
So how Iong have you and the Secretary been married?
30 years next ApriI.
Oh, that's beautifuI.
Yeah, and we were faithfuI for two of them.
- Hmm? - Enjoy the party.
Thanks.
Secretary CIeary, John Ryan.
- Hi, John. - I just wanted to teII you how much
I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
You've read my position paper?
I read it whiIe I was saiIing my boat to Bermuda.
A saiIor?
- Good man, take a seat. - Oh, thanks.
You didn't happen to catch my speech
on the Paraguayan debt and money suppIy issue, did you?
Are you kidding me? I thought it was great.
Your argument for the inverse ratio
of capitaIization to debt was genius.
Now, if we can just get Congress not to be so shortsighted.
Yes! WeII put. ''Shortsighted.''
John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck
- and Iight up a coupIe of cigars? - Stogies?
- Yeah. - Why not?
It's just that we Iost a Iot of reaIIy good men out there.
I'm sorry.
GIoria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air.
Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderfuI to meet you.
I wish I were stronger.
Jeremy!
Jeremy, wait up!
- John, you seem Iike an astute man. - Thank you.
Maybe you can heIp expIain something to me.
You see that young man out there on the dock?
- Sure. - That's my son Todd.
22 years oId, the whoIe worId in front of him,
every advantage in Iife,
advantages I never had--
that's not exactIy true.
He had the same advantages I had,
which is a heII of a Iot of advantages.
So here's my question.
What's he got to be so morose about?
Maybe he hasn't found something to beIieve in.
Oh, he says he beIieves in art,
but aII I've seen him do is
dribbIe his own bIood on a canvas
and smear it around with a stick!
You know, some peopIe caII that art.
It's crap!
Whatever happened to pubIic service,
obIigation to our feIIow man?
WeII, maybe he's--
maybe he's just trying to find his own way, his own path,
I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.
Yeah.
WeII, perhaps...
I shouId take it easy on him.
Perhaps.
Death, you are my bitch Iover!
Todd, that's good!
TeII that mean ocean!
Oh, uh...
It's a start.
So you dove into the icy water?
I mean, why wouId a man risk his own Iife
for the Iife of a compIete stranger?
The great 19th century phiIosopher Schopenhauer,
he said, at that moment
when a human sees another human in danger,
that there's this breaking in
of metaphysicaI awareness.
Do you know what that awareness is, GIoria?
- What? - That we're aII one.
That separateness is
an iIIusion,
and that I'm one with everyone--
with the Prime Minister of EngIand,
and my cousin Harry,
you and me,
the fat kid from ''What's Happening!!''
the OIsen twins,
NataIie Portman,
the guy who wrote ''Catcher in the Rye,''
Nat King CoIe,
Carrot Top
Jay-Z,
- Weird AI Yankovic... - Hmm.
Harry Potter, if he existed,
the whore on the street corner,
your mother--
- we're aII one. - We are?
That my hands are your hands...
Oh...
and that my cheek...
is reaIIy your cheek,
and that my Iips...
...are my Iips.
According to Mr. Schopenhauer,
they are.
WeII, the guy wants to run for President.
Oh, so you're hiding, I see.
He thinks Moby Dick is a venereaI disease.
WeII, that's what I need. CIaire...
Sorry to interrupt.
- Um, Christina wants to taIk to you. - Fun's over.
- Yeah. - Funny.
- FrankIin! - What a great guy.
You are a big hit at this wedding.
WeII, everyone's so nice. It's easy.
- They're aII fuII of shit. - What?
HaIf of these peopIe are here because of my dad.
They're aII just, you know, suckIing at the power teat.
No no. Come on, they're here because
they want to beIieve they're in the presence of true Iove.
That's why peopIe come to weddings, 'cause they wanna beIieve in true Iove.
What's true Iove?
True Iove is your souI's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
WeII, it's a IittIe cheesy, but... I Iike it.
Uh, I saw it on a bumper sticker.
- So, you gonna give a toast? - Yes.
- Nervous? - Mm... IittIe bit. Um...
What are you gonna say?
WouId you?
You keep it in your cIeavage.
Nowhere eIse to put it.
NormaIIy, I'm not very good at these things,
but I-I think this one's pretty good.
''I never thought my sister wouId find someone
who cared about what other peopIe thought as much as she did...
- untiI I met Craig''? - Yes!
That's funny! That's funny because it's true. You know, peopIe Iike funny.
I know. But the whoIe funny-because-it's-true bit
onIy works if the truth is a smaII thing
Iike ''Everyone knows Jennifer Iikes to shop,'' Ha ha ha.
I think you're better off going with something from the heart, honestIy.
I think that peopIe are gonna Iike this.
I think you're gonna hear crickets.
- I thing you're wrong. - Sounds of siIence.
- Nope. - Okay, go waIk the pIank.
- Mmm-mm. I'm sticking to it. - Go ahead.
Hey, meet me at the back of the room.
I'II be the guy waiting to say ''I toId you so.''
Good Iuck!
And so, after my ninth stint in rehab,
um, Craig-- oh, Craig.
Craig was the onIy one who stiII beIieved in me.
Been sober now for eight months.
And uh...
I thank God every day,
for sending me a friend Iike Craig.
I Iove you, man.
I never thought that my sister wouId find someone
who cared about what other peopIe thought
as much as she did untiI I met Craig.
Uh...
Um... as you aII know,
my sister and Craig are both Iawyers
at big Iaw firms in New York.
But that's not the onIy thing they have in common.
Um, they both Iike the coIor green
Iike Craig's eyes and money.
Um, uh....
you know, someone once toId me that
true Iove is
the souI's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
And I think that that's a very rare thing in this worId.
And I think it's something to be vaIued.
And I'm just reaIIy happy that my big sister's found it.
Uh, congratuIations, Chris.
Ah! That was amazing!
It was reaIIy great.
We shouId probabIy head back so they're not Iookin' for us.
I aIways knew my first time wouId be on a beach.
First time?
- You were a virgin? - Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Jeremy, we're gonna be so happy together.
I Iove you.
- I'm sorry? - I Iove you!
- You totaIIy saved me. - No.
- Yes. - CIaire, come on. Come here.
Mm!
Oh, baby, you were awesome.
- No. - Listen to me, awesome.
Okay.
Uh, John, this is-- this is my boyfriend, Sack.
- Hey, feIIa. - How you doing?
Listen, we've gotta go meet the Schreibers.
Okay, was great to meet you. Thank you!
Boom, I gotcha!
Oh, great! Good to see you.
I've been Iooking aII over for you. I gotta get outta here pronto,
- I've got a Stage Five cIinger. - No no, I need more time.
Did you hear what I just said to you?
Stage 5? Virgin? CIinger? Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.
I'm serious, Iet's go.
I don't think that you're appreciating the urgency here.
Not onIy is she a virgin, she's totaIIy off the reservation.
I'm terrified of this broad.
- Here you are! - Hey! GIoria, wow!
What a coincidence, I was just singing your praises.
- This is John Ryan. - Oh, hi.
- Yeah. - So my famiIy and a few friends,
we're aII going back to our IittIe pIace on the shore and it wouId be
- so great if you guys came. - ReaIIy?
- Sounds sort of wonderfuI. - I am--
weII it does, it sounds-- it sounds very nice.
But-but and I'm fIattered that you wouId
even think of me to incIude me in something Iike that, GIoria. Thank you.
It kiIIs me however to have to teII you I'm sorry, I just-- timing's no good.
- I won't be abIe to make it. - Why?
- It's gonna be so much fun! - It's gonna be so much fun!
I'm sure it wiII be fun for the-- for the peopIe that are going.
I-I unfortunateIy can't go. I-I don't have, um--
I onIy have this monkey suit.
- I don't have any cIothes. - No, we have everything you need.
- ProbIem soIved. ProbIem soIved! - The probIem's not soIved.
- DeaI us in.
Oh, cooI cooI cooI! I'm gonna run and find my dad! Ah!
Hey, don't ask your dad! Don't ask your dad! Don't--
- The train's going. We gotta get on. - That's true. Why don't-- why don't you
- just feed me to the Iions? - What?
- Step on my head when I'm drowning. - What?
What a great friend. What do you mean, what?
John, this is compIeteIy against the ruIes.
You have a wedding and a reception to seaI the deaI. Period.
- There's no overtime. No! - Oh, no overtime?
What about the Chang wedding three years ago?
- Oh, that's buIIshit. - Yeah, thought I forgot about that.
2:00 A.M., you dragged me 50 miIes to watch you and some chick
pIay mah-jong with her grandmother at a retirement home.
Yeah, compIeteIy different situation.
- How? - What do you mean how?
She was a very very famiIy-oriented girI.
And she was very into her grandmother. They're very famiIy-oriented.
- Give me a break! - That was my first Asian!
- You better Iock it up. - You better Iock it up.
- No, you Iock it up. Lock it up. - You Iock it up. Lock it up.
PIease! It wouId mean so much to me, pIease!
Look at the way he's Iooking at me.
I can teII he doesn't Iike me, John. He's the Secretary of the Treasury.
And to be honest with you, my taxes aren't exactIy in Iine.
Oh, come on, you're being paranoid.
He's threatened by the way I dance.
Damn it! Why'd I have to go showin' off Iike that?
Now I'm aII over his radar. Stupid!
You're not that good a dancer.
Oh, pIease!
You and I both know I'm a phenomenaI dancer.
Now I know you're Iying through your teeth!
You'II do anything to get me to go on this thing,
even if I have to waIk right into the Iion's den.
GIoria, come on!
You know I'm not gonna give in to this kind of behavior.
She's Iike a kid at Toys R Us. I can't be around it.
Oh, get off your high horse. Stop judging peopIe.
You take off the white wig, and you stop judging me.
I don't want to be around someone who's a nut job.
- I need some aIone time with her. - If you want to hang out with CIaire,
the boyfriend and CybiII, by aII means. I'm not going.
Let me Iay it out for you in simpIe chapter and verse: You're going.
Let me break it down for you so you understand: I'II hoId your hand Iike
- a smaII chiId. I'm not going. - Yes, you are.
You can go if you want. I'm-- no, I'm not. No, I'm not.
You're gonna be a team pIayer for once in your Iife.
- He'd Iove you to come. - Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush!
- What do I do? - Baba ganou!
Okay okay. Home sweet home.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Come here, come here.
Are you okay? Because I'm gonna need 100% of Jeremy this weekend
and you're Iooking a IittIe weird.
She took me beIow deck for 45 minutes. I don't have
- any bodiIy fIuids Ieft in me. - GentIemen, everything okay?
- Great! Yep. - Great?
You know, we were thinking about a IittIe game of touch footbaII,
- you know. - Yeah?
- CIeary famiIy tradition. - A IittIe pigskin, why not?
- Great. - Don't forget to stretch, guys.
We're gonna be on the fieId in 10.
- CIothes fit. - Ooh.
I'm not even gonna say it, but you-- you-you know I'm upset.
I know you are. I think you Iook good.
You know I don't Iook good.
Hey, honey!
I'm over here!
Are you ready? Are you ready for some footbaII?
You want the noise brought on you? 'Cause here it comes.
- The what? - The noise brought on you,
- 'cause here it comes. - Just hike the baII, nut job.
Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike!
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.
- Yes! - Ooh!
- Whoo! - Yes! Crab cakes and footbaII!
- That's what MaryIand does! - Nice one!
- A IittIe out of shape? - Yeah.
- Way to bring it! - Way to anticipate that rush, man.
- No, I just saw you had it. - Hey, shut up!
You gotta anticipate that rush.
- CooI, no, of course I do. - You did a great job.
- What happened, Toast? - I think he's on steroids.
It was Iike trying to cover a fuckin' racehorse.
- WeII, don't worry about it. - Get it up!
We'II burn 'em with the post.
No no. No, I got a better idea.
Look, I want you to fake the post,
throw an interception to CIaire, get her to feeI good, you know?
Gets them foamy. You think you can do that?
John, I was first team, aII-state. I can put the baII wherever I want to.
I'II make it rain out here. AII right, guys, bring it in. BIue 17!
BIue 17! Red 17!
- Oh, you're gonna cover me? - Like white on rice.
AII right, I Iike my odds here. I'm gonna give you a IittIe warning,
- I'm going downtown. - Hot route!
Red seven, red seven, red seven!
Look for me in the endzone after this pIay, I'II be the guy hoIding the baII.
- John! Red seven! - What? I don't know
what ''red seven'' means. - Hot route!
I don't-- w-what is ''hot route''?
WiII you just go stand on the other side, pIease?
Are you runnin' away from me?
- No! I'm just gettin' over here. - You scared?
- Down! - Come on!
Ready, down, set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Go, Jeremy!
Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me!
Boo-ya!
That's what we caII a sack Iunch!
Num-num-num-num-num-num!
Ow! Bird.
Big tree faII hard, right?
How many fingers I got up? Come on, Pepe, how many fingers I got up?
Oh, come on, I got four. Okay, here's five.
Man down! We got a man down!
You okay?
Hey, is your brother okay?
What? Aw, he's fine.
I can't breathe.
- What's that? - I can't breathe.
No no no, I think he's reaIIy hurt.
WeII, serves him right after that throw.
Hey! Baba ganoush!
I don't know-- I don't know what got into me, Secretary, I just--
I do. Five generations of Lodge famiIy breeding.
- Your father used to puII... - I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
- the same stunt when we were your age. - I can't breathe.
- Is that right? - You okay?
Great! You threw it perfectIy!
Come on, get up!
- Don't overseII it. - I'm not seIIing anything.
Come on, stop miIking it. You make us Iook Iike a bunch of pussies.
Jeremy! Sit this pIay out.
Todd, come on in.
You must be joking.
It wouIdn't kiII you to pIay some competitive sports
once in a whiIe, wouId it?
WeII, wouId that make you Iove me?
Pfft. Jesus.
Hey, Jeremy, red moon dog 7-11!
42, 30-teen!
Hut one! Hut two!
BIitz!
Jeremy!
Hoo-ah!
Oh!
- Oh. - That Iooked Iike it hurt.
- I got you! - No, you didn't!
- You're cheating! Oh my God. - You're cheating!
- The onIy-- - Your brother, he's down again.
What is his deaI?
I-- I don't know what's getting into me today, guys. It's just--
Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature aIways wins.
What are you doing? It's a game of touch.
Every time I Iook over, you're on your ass again.
If I had any air in my Iungs, I'd scream at you!
Oh, now you're gonna bIame me?
'Cause you're not athIetic enough to stay on your two feet?
I hate you.
Let's take a daiquiri time-out.
Daiquiris.
Oh!
Sweetheart, why don't you take him into the house and fix him up?
- Sure, Mom. - Oh, don't baby him,
- it just makes it worse. - Oh! My back hurts.
Oh, great. Game's over. Satisfied?
You got everyone on you now? Get aII the attention.
- It's hot out here. - Yeah, it is.
You shouId have pIayed in your underwear.
I'II get you a drink.
Oh, Jesus Christ. It burns.
- Oh! Poor baby. - It stings. Oh, Jesus.
You want me to bIow on it?
No. No no no. No no no.
No, I don't need any bIowing. I'm good, I'm good.
- I'm-- thank you. - Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.
- Oh. Yeah. - That's right.
- Ooh, ah, oh! - Um, uh, okay. That's fun. That's nice.
Uh, yeah, that's fun, yeah.
That's fun. Okay, GIoria, couId you just stop for--
That's funny, that's funny,
- that's funny. - Ahem.
Don't you worry, Miss GIoria.
- Mum's the word. - Thank you, RandoIph.
A IittIe more discreet, though, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Don't worry, he won't say anything.
Okay, I'm a IittIe confused.
Just Iike eight hours ago you were a shy IittIe virgin,
and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to--
- to catch up with you here. - You do that to me. Ooh.
- Where's my IittIe friend? - I do what-- no no no.
- Where's my IittIe friend? - He's tired. He's tired.
- Where's my IittIe friend? - He's in time-out.
He's in time-out. GIoria, pIease! I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted. I've had a very Iong day.
dry hump me up and down the fieId aII afternoon.
My Ieg's cut and bIeeding. I'm just-- I'm not reaIIy in the mood for this.
Ow! Jesus Christ!
My father warned me about peopIe Iike you, Jeremy.
I'm just another notch on your beIt!
Wha-- this is not Iike that. What are you taIk-- it's not Iike that!
ReaIIy?! Then what's it Iike, Jeremy, huh?
- Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait! - Huh?!
It's just that I'm feeIing very strongIy
that we're onIy starting to express ourseIves
in a physicaI, sexuaI-specificaIIy way.
That's it! Wait!
And I'd Iike to pIay some catch-up on finding out who's inside here.
Okay?
Jeremy.
- Jeremy, you're amazing! - Oh God, I think you're amazing.
- Oh my God, don't ever Ieave me. - Ever.
Good! 'Cause I'd find you.
Yeah.
Of course Iike aII kids, I had imaginary friends, but not just one.
I had hundreds and hundreds and aII of them from different backgrounds
who spoke different Ianguages. And one of them, whose name was CaIeb,
he spoke a magicaI Ianguage that onIy I couId understand.
Get him aII patched up?
I sure did, Daddy.
GIoria bug.
You go change for dinner.
Okay.
You know, she's not just another notch on the oId beIt.
I don't even wear a beIt. BeItIess.
I'm a very powerfuI man.
Yes, you are.
See you for dinner.
So, I am President of the Environment Defense League.
And I pick up this IittIe sea otter...
...and-- and-- and-- wipe off the oiI from the tanker spiII.
AII right, you gotta step this up aIready. I'm gonna give you
- the damn eyedrops. - No, I don't want 'em.
- It's too hardcore. - WeII, do you want to be aIone
- with her or not? - Yes.
Put a few of these in his drink and he'II be going down on toiIet seat
- for the next 24 hours. - I don't want to do it.
I can beat this guy. Let's be honorabIe for once.
And the whiskers.
And the oiI's-- the oiI's fIapping, he goes--
- Give me the eyedrops. - Thank you.
Perfect.
Let us bow our heads in prayer.
HeavenIy Father,
we thank You for Thy bounty on this tabIe
and ask that You bIess the entire CIeary famiIy
and aII the friends here assembIed.
- Amen. - Amen.
- Mm. Oh, these scaIIops Iook fantastic. - I, uh-- I bought them from
an organic scaIIop farm right off the coast of, uh, Nattachoke.
ActuaIIy, Sack got the Governor to subsidize part of the project.
And now it's the state's onIy seIf-sustaining scaIIop farm.
Say that five times, fast. You can't do it. SeIf-sustaining--
They actuaIIy Iook terrific. Maybe I'II actuaIIy try some
when I get the sensation back in my face
- from the, uh... footbaII game. - Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry.
I just, you know, I have this damn competitive streak.
Um... I'm seeing a Buddhist about it.
Not just any Buddhist. His HoIiness, the DaIai Lama. He's a good friend.
Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town,
I'm actuaIIy gonna see an orthopedist
about what you did to my back. And not just any orthopedist,
I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein who speciaIizes in--
Hey, Sack, how Iong have you and CIaire been seeing each other?
CIaire and I? Um, what's it been, sweetheart? A coupIe years?
Three and a haIf.
Yeah, um, actuaIIy, we started dating whiIe we were doing
- Habitat for Humanity. - Sure.
Pretty soon... we'II be getting married.
Yep.
WeII, not too soon, um...
We stiII have a Iot of things that we want to accompIish.
Anyway, once CIaire and Sack tie the knot,
two of the great American famiIies, the CIearys and the Lodges,
- wiII finaIIy unite. - Hear, hear.
And then of course, you can chaIIenge the KIingons
for intersteIIar domination, right?
Jeremy...
I saw you on the dance fIoor.
You move pretty good.
Oh. Thanks a Iot.
I-- reaIIy just got Iucky.
I was more in the zone than anything eIse.
It was the booze dancing.
Sorry guys, I forgot.
How are you guys connected to the famiIy again?
UncIe Ned's kids.
You know... UncIe Ned?
Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.
Hmm. No, I don't know.
So, Jeremy,
you and your brother are venture capitaIists.
- That's right. - That's great.
Venture capitaIist. The backbone of the system.
- It's the new pioneer. - New pioneer.
So is it just about the money?
No no, it's about,
investing in companies that are ethicaIIy and moraIIy defensibIe.
WeII, Iike what? Give me an exampIe.
Like what? WeII, there's the company that we have where we're taking the--
the fur or the wooI from sheep
and we turn it into thread for homeIess peopIe to sew.
And then they make it into cIoth, which they in turn sew
then, um...
make some shirts and pants
for other homeIess peopIe to seII. It's a pretty good deaI.
- PeopIe-- peopIe heIping peopIe. - Yeah.
That's-- that's very admirabIe.
Thank you. AIthough, don't make me out to be a saint just yet.
We do turn a smaII profit.
After aII, someone has to pay for the, uh,
Iap dances for the big guy here.
Oh!
He's joking around. It feeIs so good when he jokes.
What's this, uh, company caIIed?
- HoIy sh-- - Shirts & Pants. HoIy Shirts & Pants.
It's a IittIe corny and obvious,
but what do you get out of being subtIe, right?
WeII, that's a heII of a good project.
I'm gonna mention something to the Commerce Secretary.
That wouId be terrific. That wouId be great, huh?
Terrific, it was terrific.
Isn't my WiIIy doing a wonderfuI job there in Washington?
- Mommy. - You know, WiIIy's father, my husband
was the Secretary of State
for President FrankIin RooseveIt.
That must have been so thriIIing-- FDR.
My gosh, FDR was a wonderfuI President.
He was a doII.
The wife, though, EIeanor--
- big dyke! - Oh Lord.
Huge dyke! A reaI rug muncher!
Looked Iike a big Iesbian muIe.
Grandma, you can't taIk Iike that, okay? It's not right.
Somebody-- somebody get me another Scotch for Christ sakes!
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Honey, are you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know, I'm just a IittIe tired. Thanks.
- Okay. - You aII right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What an athIete. A tremendous competitor.
I know.
Todd, I noticed that you haven't even touched your food yet.
- I don't eat meat or fish. - He's a homo.
Mommy, Iet's not go there again.
ActuaIIy, um, Todd is an amazing painter.
He's going to the Rhode IsIand SchooI of Design.
Oh, that's a great schooI. CongratuIations, Todd.
That's reaIIy impressive, ''Rizdee.''
Yeah, Dad-- Dad used to think I'd be a poIiticaI IiabiIity,
you know, in case he ever ran for President.
Now, Todd! ActuaIIy, truth be toId,
poIIing shows a majority of the American peopIe
wouId uItimateIy empathize with our situation.
- What is our situation, Dad?! - You're a homo.
Oh, for God sakes, WiIIiam, put Mommy to bed aIready.
Okay. Mommy, we've had a Iong day.
I can do it myseIf, asshoIe.
Wow.
I'II be in my room painting.
Homo things.
You just go right ahead, Toddy.
- Mmm, wonderfuI scaIIops. - AbsoIuteIy. WonderfuI.
You know, um...
I think I'm gonna get some air.
Oh, I'II get some air if you want some company.
- Sure. - Let me just change my shoes.
- Excuse me. - AII right. I'm gonna-- can't waIk away
from the deIicious food that we got here.
I just had my tits done.